1. List areas in which i do that
1.1. Profession, Knowledge and Information
1.2. Physical activities, new skills/ventures/hobbies
1.3. Interaction with the (money) system, business
1.4. Relationships
How am i keeping my world small
1. Profession, Knowledge and Information
Here i have a point of basically only
looking at “my work” as “my work”, like it is not concerning
or touching anyone else and so i can do it as I see it fit and as i
“want to do it”, which is mostly determined in how i CAN do it,
meaning how i have learned and programmed myself to do it – in a
well established way and “form” of how to do a particular thing,
that i have “worked out” for myself through trial and error and
that i have more or less proven to myself as being “effective”
and applicable to what i want/need to do. This is how i have
built/put trust and confidence into a particular way of doing things
in my profession, and the the knowledge/information/method making
that up...anything outside of that, is viewed with “scepticism”
and resistance because in order to really “validate” the
method/information/knowledge/way of doing something comming from
another person/or that i read about...i have to really let go of “my
way/method” for a moment and i have to “think as the other
person would”, to trace their steps, resoning and so forth for
doing something in a particular way...only then i can “effectively
compare” - meaning without a bias – the two a approaches and
make a decision to go with either one.
This takes time and effort, it
requires me also to let go of “my method/knowledge/
information/way” for a moment at least – and i think in that
lies the difficulty – in order to come to a certain “way/method
of doing things”, in the process of “gaining experiential
knowledge” one had to put in a lot of time and effort already to
get to the point of “having a certain way/method” of doing
things. With unconditionally looking at and studying a different
approach one may find that the other way/method/approach is “better,
more effective, stronger” and that the only reasonable thing would
be to let go of ones “own” way/approach and build something new
that integrates the new understanding.
What may also be sparked in me in that process
are “self-judgement, self-diminishment, self- wrongness” and
defeat, like because i “had it wrong” and not the “best
way/method/ approach already” i must apparently judge and diminish
myself and break myself down harshly which can also lead to
self-pity, giving up and defeatism. What is to be realised here is
that “living” and “creating” is a process and by the nature
of a continuos process, a pre-liminary result – or in this case
way/method/approach – is only temporary and must be open to evolve
and change to include and integrate new understanding.
What comes up here are a few
things...one is a point ANU mentioned in an interview on eqafe about
“failure” i guess, that in creating something/a point, one is
starting to define oneself to/with/as that point (possession) and
when that point for some reason turns out to be a mistake/failure
one collapses AS that point and experience that collapse as a
collapse/breaking down and failure of SELF, when it is actually only
ONE POINT one intended, created and defined self to, that collapses
and breaks down...and that this actually a kind of mental illness
right there lol. Indeed.
Another point is a book i am reading
currently about “Having or Being” (E. Fromm) which talks about
“Having” and “Being” as two different concepts/ways of
existing and what i see is that “having a certain
way/method/approach” to doing things/working, it makes me limited,
rigid, dumbed, inflexible, slow, stuck and incapable of “looking
beyond my own saucer”.
The same and similar is true for
“knowledge and information” extending beyond my profession...its
funny how we tend to define ourselves to the process and experiences
that lead us to develop certain ways and come to certain
realisations/ways as though it is the “end-all be-all” instead
of seeing and realising the obvious that the way and experiences that
lead us to develop was a process and as such OPEN for development
and expansion. How do we even get the idea that there is or should
be a “final stage”, final product of our development ?? So a
fundamental shift to align self to that expansion, growth,
development that is inherent to Life and includes ALL that is here
can be a good start to change this point.
1.2. What´s the mind logic of
limiting my world/keeping it small? WHY am i doing it?
When i am facing “something new”
professionally, out of my ways, out of my confidence and comfort
zone, i am faced with a experience of INSECURITY and doubt, a
tendency to feel inferior and judge myself towards that which i am
facing and apparently do not “know” (fear of the unknown). In
that i tend to doubt myself and thoughts, such as “Can i do this,
can i really do/understand this” and even more limiting
believes/definitions “I can/do not understand this – i have no
clue – how should i know how to do this – how the fuck is anyone
supposed to know this?”...then there can come self-judgements like
“You SHOULD know this – you have heard that before, WHY DIDN´T
you listen properly, why didn't you study properly when you had that
shit in school/highshool??” and with and from those come also
irritation, frustration, annoyance and resistance the builds as a
outflow of repeated moments of “split-decisions” in which decide
to either go for “investigating the knowledge/information further
(OPENING SELF and EMBRACING the points)” or “shutting it out,
down, don't want to bother with that (CLOSING SELF to and resisting
the new).
Its interesting, because actually, my
natural state is/would be to be open, embrace and let pass the
information without reaction or resistance and while it passes,
process and understand it to the extent i am capable of in that
moment – yet what comes up is a believe/pattern of reaction that
“I can´t handle that – I cant deal with that information, right
now” “I have already to much to do/think about” which is a
belief/point in/of the conscious mind and so i shut/close myself
energetically to the “new information”/point that i in fact had
the ability to “look at” the point opening up in a moment.
So a point of mind-logic is that: I
can´t handle/deal with this (information) now, because i have
already something else to do! Which in itself, is BASED IN FEAR...i
am already in a point/experience of FEAR/Insecurity/anxiety about
handling the things i do now/the small little world i am dealing.
Like i really need to focus in on the limited things i am doing NOW,
to never make a mis-take, always be in control etc... There is a
polarity created and at the core of the pattern of “keeping my
world small”
Keeping my world small creates the
illusion of “security, confidence” and that i can trust that
small/little piece of reality that i have worked out for myself and
that i have defined myself to, in that “small world” i can
move/be with comfort and ease, and i feel “in control” yet if i
only move a bit outside of that...Insecurity, anxiety, doubt, fear
sets in and my sense of security is challenged. That´s for example
what happens when someone at work/in my professional field “knows
more” and/or challenges my “knowledge/ways/approach” of doing
something.
1.3. What are the consequences of
“keeping my (professional) world small”, by protecting/defending
aquired knowledge and information/way/methods of doing things?
Fundamentally i create and maintain a
polarity of “confidence” and “insecurity” regarding knowledge/information i apparently
“posses” and about my way of doing things. This causes me/one to
easily be “offended” or defensive (the-fence-i-have), as i
apparently need to “sit on the fence” to “guard” those
points of knowledge/information i have identified myself with and
as. This makes me “tense” and inflexible, closed off, to consider
and embrace other approaches, or even expansions and improvements to
what i already know...as long as i indulge in/experience confidence
and comfortability (only) in relation to the
knowledge/methods/ways/approaches of doing something in my work, i
will also be/experience insecurity regarding the
knowledge/methods/ways/approaches i do NOT know, and there is always
more that we do not know than what we know...Essentially, this means
that i enslave myself to forever feel/experience myself
insecure/inferior, as the as i am fighting for my limitations with
confidence. Lol.
So there must be a more fundamental
approach to address this issue and what comes up is “Righteousness”,
the desire to “be right” and “win”, as the apparent “superior
feeling” as a self-gratified reward for apparently being
“right/correct” which is equated to “good/ better/superior”, how it all becomes about ones ego, superiority instead of the actual
work and knowledge/information one is working with and what would be
best in that context. I definitely can relate to/see that, within my
relationships – and though i do not want to see and admit that
(self-denial -> courage) – i definitely want to be right/correct
regarding “my work” and in general and i want to show/tell/prove
it to everyone that doubts it – i want to be better (have the
better knowledge/solution) than others and in that, “win over”
others.
And as indicated, i try all kinds of
shit to hide/deny/suppress that...i create anxiety/fear to mask and
suppress my ego/superiority/righteousness/anger, in order to not
“put/throw myself out there so intensely”, i have relativising
backchat where i place myself as false humbleness that is actually
condescending, such as “yeah, than they have to make their own
mistakes” “well, than she/he shall try it, if they want, but i
know it doesn´t work” where in fact i am thinking that “it is
simply bullshit” “will never work” and such...but i wont say
that...and when i write this, i am noticing how much ENERGY it TAKES
for me to SUPPRESS those points/parts of me...and the point is that
i honestly think/believe that “i am right/correct” “i can
explain why” and yes, sometime i am right, sometime another...yet,
thats besides the point. What is actually coming out in those
reactions/emotions is all the time that i have been “told/made
feel” “wrong/incorrect/false/incorrect” as a child and
throughout my whole life...initially by “others”, those that
have been here before, and than have been doing that to myself.
Essentially it is that part of me, that has been and continues to
come up in me, that is saying “hello, look at me, i have a point
here – i have something to say – i have something to add, share,
communicate – this is what i see and how i see it”
If i defend and protect “my points
of knowledge/information” and ways/approaches of doing something,
i am basically also forcing others to do the same...as i am not
giving was i would like to receive...in this case i do not
unconditionally “hear, consider, evaluate, test” the points/ways
of others...and so if they want to be heard/make their point, they
also need be more forceful and righteous otherwise i will not even
hear. This is a war setup and on a existential level prevents us
individually and collectively to find/implement the best solutions
for particular points/questions and limits/prohibits co-operation and
co-creation, which limits and suppresses existential potential. If i
protect and defend what “i think is the right/correct way of
doing things”
Einheit und Gleichheit als Leben
Erlerne essentielle Lebenskompetenzen
Besuche uns auf Facebook
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen