Montag, 29. Juni 2020

Keeping my world small - Profession, Writing - Day 664

This blog post is an continuation of "Bewältigungsstrategie: Deine Welt klein halten. " in which i wrote out how i use to keep my world small as a coping mechanism. I am now going to write out, apply self forgiveness and formulate and live solutions in order to change this pattern, piece by piece. 

1. List areas in which i do that

1.1. Profession, Knowledge and Information

1.2. Physical activities, new skills/ventures/hobbies
1.3. Interaction with the (money) system, business
1.4. Relationships

How am i keeping my world small

1. Profession, Knowledge and Information

Here i have a point of basically only looking at “my work” as “my work”, like it is not concerning or touching anyone else and so i can do it as I see it fit and as i “want to do it”, which is mostly determined in how i CAN do it, meaning how i have learned and programmed myself to do it – in a well established way and “form” of how to do a particular thing, that i have “worked out” for myself through trial and error and that i have more or less proven to myself as being “effective” and applicable to what i want/need to do. This is how i have built/put trust and confidence into a particular way of doing things in my profession, and the the knowledge/information/method making that up...anything outside of that, is viewed with “scepticism” and resistance because in order to really “validate” the method/information/knowledge/way of doing something comming from another person/or that i read about...i have to really let go of “my way/method” for a moment and i have to “think as the other person would”, to trace their steps, resoning and so forth for doing something in a particular way...only then i can “effectively compare” - meaning without a bias – the two a approaches and make a decision to go with either one.

This takes time and effort, it requires me also to let go of “my method/knowledge/ information/way” for a moment at least – and i think in that lies the difficulty – in order to come to a certain “way/method of doing things”, in the process of “gaining experiential knowledge” one had to put in a lot of time and effort already to get to the point of “having a certain way/method” of doing things. With unconditionally looking at and studying a different approach one may find that the other way/method/approach is “better, more effective, stronger” and that the only reasonable thing would be to let go of ones “own” way/approach and build something new that integrates the new understanding. 

What may also be sparked in me in that process are “self-judgement, self-diminishment, self- wrongness” and defeat, like because i “had it wrong” and not the “best way/method/ approach already” i must apparently judge and diminish myself and break myself down harshly which can also lead to self-pity, giving up and defeatism. What is to be realised here is that “living” and “creating” is a process and by the nature of a continuos process, a pre-liminary result – or in this case way/method/approach – is only temporary and must be open to evolve and change to include and integrate new understanding.

What comes up here are a few is a point ANU mentioned in an interview on eqafe about “failure” i guess, that in creating something/a point, one is starting to define oneself to/with/as that point (possession) and when that point for some reason turns out to be a mistake/failure one collapses AS that point and experience that collapse as a collapse/breaking down and failure of SELF, when it is actually only ONE POINT one intended, created and defined self to, that collapses and breaks down...and that this actually a kind of mental illness right there lol. Indeed.
Another point is a book i am reading currently about “Having or Being” (E. Fromm) which talks about “Having” and “Being” as two different concepts/ways of existing and what i see is that “having a certain way/method/approach” to doing things/working, it makes me limited, rigid, dumbed, inflexible, slow, stuck and incapable of “looking beyond my own saucer”.

The same and similar is true for “knowledge and information” extending beyond my profession...its funny how we tend to define ourselves to the process and experiences that lead us to develop certain ways and come to certain realisations/ways as though it is the “end-all be-all” instead of seeing and realising the obvious that the way and experiences that lead us to develop was a process and as such OPEN for development and expansion. How do we even get the idea that there is or should be a “final stage”, final product of our development ?? So a fundamental shift to align self to that expansion, growth, development that is inherent to Life and includes ALL that is here can be a good start to change this point.

1.2. What´s the mind logic of limiting my world/keeping it small? WHY am i doing it?

When i am facing “something new” professionally, out of my ways, out of my confidence and comfort zone, i am faced with a experience of INSECURITY and doubt, a tendency to feel inferior and judge myself towards that which i am facing and apparently do not “know” (fear of the unknown). In that i tend to doubt myself and thoughts, such as “Can i do this, can i really do/understand this” and even more limiting believes/definitions “I can/do not understand this – i have no clue – how should i know how to do this – how the fuck is anyone supposed to know this?”...then there can come self-judgements like “You SHOULD know this – you have heard that before, WHY DIDN´T you listen properly, why didn't you study properly when you had that shit in school/highshool??” and with and from those come also irritation, frustration, annoyance and resistance the builds as a outflow of repeated moments of “split-decisions” in which decide to either go for “investigating the knowledge/information further (OPENING SELF and EMBRACING the points)” or “shutting it out, down, don't want to bother with that (CLOSING SELF to and resisting the new).

Its interesting, because actually, my natural state is/would be to be open, embrace and let pass the information without reaction or resistance and while it passes, process and understand it to the extent i am capable of in that moment – yet what comes up is a believe/pattern of reaction that “I can´t handle that – I cant deal with that information, right now” “I have already to much to do/think about” which is a belief/point in/of the conscious mind and so i shut/close myself energetically to the “new information”/point that i in fact had the ability to “look at” the point opening up in a moment.

So a point of mind-logic is that: I can´t handle/deal with this (information) now, because i have already something else to do! Which in itself, is BASED IN FEAR...i am already in a point/experience of FEAR/Insecurity/anxiety about handling the things i do now/the small little world i am dealing. Like i really need to focus in on the limited things i am doing NOW, to never make a mis-take, always be in control etc... There is a polarity created and at the core of the pattern of “keeping my world small”

Keeping my world small creates the illusion of “security, confidence” and that i can trust that small/little piece of reality that i have worked out for myself and that i have defined myself to, in that “small world” i can move/be with comfort and ease, and i feel “in control” yet if i only move a bit outside of that...Insecurity, anxiety, doubt, fear sets in and my sense of security is challenged. That´s for example what happens when someone at work/in my professional field “knows more” and/or challenges my “knowledge/ways/approach” of doing something.

1.3. What are the consequences of “keeping my (professional) world small”, by protecting/defending aquired knowledge and information/way/methods of doing things?

Fundamentally i create and maintain a polarity of “confidence” and “insecurity” regarding knowledge/information i apparently “posses” and about my way of doing things. This causes me/one to easily be “offended” or defensive (the-fence-i-have), as i apparently need to “sit on the fence” to “guard” those points of knowledge/information i have identified myself with and as. This makes me “tense” and inflexible, closed off, to consider and embrace other approaches, or even expansions and improvements to what i already long as i indulge in/experience confidence and comfortability (only) in relation to the knowledge/methods/ways/approaches of doing something in my work, i will also be/experience insecurity regarding the knowledge/methods/ways/approaches i do NOT know, and there is always more that we do not know than what we know...Essentially, this means that i enslave myself to forever feel/experience myself insecure/inferior, as the as i am fighting for my limitations with confidence. Lol.

So there must be a more fundamental approach to address this issue and what comes up is “Righteousness”, the desire to “be right” and “win”, as the apparent “superior feeling” as a self-gratified reward for apparently being “right/correct” which is equated to “good/ better/superior”, how it all becomes about ones ego, superiority instead of the actual work and knowledge/information one is working with and what would be best in that context. I definitely can relate to/see that, within my relationships – and though i do not want to see and admit that (self-denial -> courage) – i definitely want to be right/correct regarding “my work” and in general and i want to show/tell/prove it to everyone that doubts it – i want to be better (have the better knowledge/solution) than others and in that, “win over” others.

And as indicated, i try all kinds of shit to hide/deny/suppress that...i create anxiety/fear to mask and suppress my ego/superiority/righteousness/anger, in order to not “put/throw myself out there so intensely”, i have relativising backchat where i place myself as false humbleness that is actually condescending, such as “yeah, than they have to make their own mistakes” “well, than she/he shall try it, if they want, but i know it doesn´t work” where in fact i am thinking that “it is simply bullshit” “will never work” and such...but i wont say that...and when i write this, i am noticing how much ENERGY it TAKES for me to SUPPRESS those points/parts of me...and the point is that i honestly think/believe that “i am right/correct” “i can explain why” and yes, sometime i am right, sometime another...yet, thats besides the point. What is actually coming out in those reactions/emotions is all the time that i have been “told/made feel” “wrong/incorrect/false/incorrect” as a child and throughout my whole life...initially by “others”, those that have been here before, and than have been doing that to myself. Essentially it is that part of me, that has been and continues to come up in me, that is saying “hello, look at me, i have a point here – i have something to say – i have something to add, share, communicate – this is what i see and how i see it”

If i defend and protect “my points of knowledge/information” and ways/approaches of doing something, i am basically also forcing others to do the i am not giving was i would like to this case i do not unconditionally “hear, consider, evaluate, test” the points/ways of others...and so if they want to be heard/make their point, they also need be more forceful and righteous otherwise i will not even hear. This is a war setup and on a existential level prevents us individually and collectively to find/implement the best solutions for particular points/questions and limits/prohibits co-operation and co-creation, which limits and suppresses existential potential. If i protect and defend what “i think is the right/correct way of doing things”

Einheit und Gleichheit als Leben

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