In this blog i share a point of investigation into my past alcohol consumption, quite in the beginnings, as a teenager - I can see how this definition/believe became automated and has in succession influenced my behavior and contributed to abusive consequence for myself/everything else.
Point in my Writing: "definition of being strong, with drinking strong mixtures"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is “Strong” to drink mixtures of lots of alcohol with less softdriks – in this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself that it is/was simply stupid male ego behavior that was very abusive to the physical because to achieve the same effect there would always be needed more alcohol the next time, just to prove that one can drink the strong mixtures.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that just for the sake of “manliness” = stupidity and proving myself/my ego I have often mixed in and drunken an extra alcohol that would for example not have been necessary to achieve a certain effect.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand through this I definition and behavior I have already in the beginning of my alcoholic career conditioned myself and my physical to want/desire a “strong rush”, meaning the physiological effect of a large doses of Alcohol per body weight absorbed in a small time and so a relatively high level of alcohol in the blood in a short time = equals a strong rush = big concentration-gap of preconception and consumption = LOTS of Energy and SO CONTROL and INTEGRATION For the MIND = Possession.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that actually everything is in reverse and so that what I had defined as “strong/Strength” was the “strength” of the mind as Energy where me as the Being as Substance Awareness was overwhelmed and taken “possession of” by the Mind/Consciousness/Energy and as I have primarily defined myself in and as Energy Awareness as the Mind instead of Substance Awareness as the Physical I have defined myself as and identified myself with this “strength” of the mind as a energetic rush of AMPLYFING EMOTIONS; FEELINGS and Thoughts/Imaginations while on Alcohol. And so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what for/in/as the Mind was actually defined/experienced as Strong (strengthening) was in fact weakening my beingness of and as substance.
I see, realize and understand that drinking strong drinks was/is not strong and does not make one strong or represent strength.
I see, realize and understand that this drinking strong drinks rather represents stupidity as (male) ego Competition
I realize that drinking strong drinks has the consequence of more alcohol faster being absorbed into the body what leads to a higher concentration of alcohol in the body/blood in shorter time what leads to a perceived stronger rush, a higher total amount of alcohol consumed (presumed the amount of drinks stays the same) and due to the stronger rush a higher risk of addiction leading to overall higher alcohol intake with all the fucked up/harmful physical, mental and social consequences.
I see, realize and understand that in the instance of a alcoholic rush, its actually the Mind taking over in a form of possession where feelings, emotions and thoughts/imaginations/backchats are amplified often so much that one seems/acts/behaves totally out of one senses (without common sense, self-respect or self-control) and causes harmful consequences to oneself and/or others.
Thus I commit myself to not drink alcohol and I commit myself to further walk my process of investigating my past alcohol consumption and release myself from the Memories, Self-definitions and mind systems that I have created and/or strengthened with(in) the consumption of Alcohol.