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I will do this post in english as i see that i am more comforatble with it than with the german language. The point came up of fear of committing to this process and especially the 7 years of writing, actually the point was quite obvious and I was tormenting myself with it since the start/hearing about it. Actually this fear goes much deeper and is present within me since starting to walk this process – I always want to leave a backdoor open, where I could possibly “escape” and turn/run away from Life and this process of life that is me. Only writing this shows me how I can not really run or turn away from life as my very processes of physical functioning is and are of life – processes of life. The only place where I can turn away is in-to the mind. So I STOP!
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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commiting myself to process and the seven years of writing fully
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to commiting myself to writing because I have fallen on the point of writing constantly and consitantly before
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my memories of failing in commitments to writing influence my direction, dedication and commitment to walking the process of ending consciousness and birthing life on earth and so not only limiting and hindering my process but the process of life and existence as a whole through clinging onto my miss-takes – instead of assisting and supporting myself to let go of the past completely and forgiving myself unconditionally to move with and as process of self-honesty
I forgive myself to fear commitment in general
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being responsible for another human being
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being responsible for children
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing my self to an agreement and for being terrified by the though of having a partner and children to care for
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to a job or work
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to commit myself with a/other human being/s because I fear myself in relation to them, I fear that I will harm or hurt them in any way and I do not want to be responsible for this as well as I fear that something might harm or hurt or happen to them what is the normal accepted situation in the world and I do not want to experience these kind of situations as emotional experiences – as I do not know and don’t want to face who I will/would become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trick and deceive myself in ways to make myself believe that I am not responsible and that I somehow could ever not be responsible for what happens on earth – to other humans, nature, animals and plants when I am here and participate in and as a part of the system that is here – thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take this responsibility for myself as a part of all in full awareness and in this commit myself to take responsibility for all living beings that are in a position to not be able to do so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse doubt as a mechanism to abdicate self-reasonability
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I will never be able to live together with a partner and have kids in a family-alignement, because I as who I am and this world as how it exists is multi-to-fucked-up and is not able to ever be a proper or possible place for children” and to connect this though with sorrow and regret
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on this world and myself to ever be able to birth new life and be and become a place worth living in and proper place for life to exist – instead of doing everything possible to make this a place were life is free
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I have damned life and earth in my very judgment and self-doubt – where I make earth to the reflection of hell as it exist within me just because I do not dare to change and give up the ego
Commitment
I commit myself to investigate, forgive and give up everything in me that is of self-doubt judgement and hell to stop and change first me and then all that I see into free life living here as a existence one can call heaven on earth as what is best for all life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout this process having left open backdoors of doubt and I forgive myself that I have done this deliberately in fear of committing myself in and as self-interest, where I allowed to project doubt onto others, desteni or the process of life as a whole even when I have seen/understood and tested the tools and process for myself, to keep on allowing backchat and abdicating responsibility in the believe that I can not stop and change myself. Actually to allow backchat to prevail and diminish me so that I can blame and claim that the mind or something/or someone is hindering me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to clearly see/understand/realize what “backdoors” are/should be – instead of realizing that backdoors are every-things all points that lead me back into me as the mind as the personality and ego I have believed myself to be and thus lead me away from supporting and assisting myself as life as best as possible in my every breath to create and live myself in a way that support all life as me equally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes desire to go back into a lifestyle of complete abdication of self-responsibility and self-defeat as just wanting to booze me down or smoke pot and just forget about process and the rest of the world wanting to give up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to win and desire to defeat myself to experience a sense of power and control as a mind-experience of spite and spitefulness – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is any power in spiting myself, spiting life – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be that stupid to in anyway believe that I could spite life, could shit on existence and turn my back instead of realizing that ALL will go on despite of me turning around and I will die with my biggest contribution to live being the death body as dung for the earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that I am a king within and as spiting life instead of realizing that I am here as all as one as Equal as life and can only ever spite myself in not allowing myself to forgive myself and walk my process of becoming life as all as one as equal
Commitments
I commit myself to stop any kind of spite within myself as I realize and see that I can only spite myself as life and thus I stop the crown of stupidity as the human-being-spitefulness that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and live as Ego
I commit myself to stop fearing resistances and push through them as long as I face resistance as me
I commit myself to investigate and close all backdoors that prevent me from applying myself I a way that is best for all as bringing an end to the existence of consciousness as energy within myself and the current world system as money outside of myself as our shared reality through walking the process of forgiveness in practically applying myself in writing, self-forgiveness in self-honesty and correcting my living in alignment to the principle of what is best for all life
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When I first heard/read the word “7 years physical process” I was immediately feeling overwhelmed or like “This is something big” and my first thought was “What exactly does physical process mean” and was mixed with “What the fuck does physical process mean” but I did not “dare” to ask and thought! “Lets wait and see what comes up, surely it will become clearer – somebody will ask and/or clarify” – what is the first point of self-sabotage as Backchat where I expect others to answer my untold questions and I turned my reaction into myself . So my internal Dialogue on the point over the next days was then that “Ok, I try it” – The point here is that I am very aware of the effectiveness and most defiantly awesome results/outcome of applying this discipline of everyday writing and self-forgiveness but was not able in the past to really stay with it for longer than a week or so and this came also up as self-blame also as a kind of resentment against myself for not being able to, or simply not living the words that I have spoken and committed myself to for myself. A thought that comes up in this as point throughout my process thus far is “It is a form of weakness when I need to make a commitment in public to get myself to stick to it – I should/must be able to do it for myself” referring for example to various point where I wanted to commit myself to writing on the forums everyday for a amount of time or stopping masturbation and it sounds quite reasonable – yet there are certain points not considered: first of all my self-righteous nature, where I can always find reasons/excuses/justifications for why I do not write, why I let it slip again …it is so simple to just give any random explanation and say “yes, ok” as accepting it in the own mind and the second point is actually a form of egoism where I do not want to share as well as not fully expose myself
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word physical process with the thought of “what should that be” “what does physical process mean” going into my mind to separate me from the words and realisation what it means and rather imposing a mind-wall of resistance and ignorance as “I don’t know/see/understand” onto my actual experience of excitement as fear/doubt/overwhelmingness as something big to suppress and layer it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of asking and so exposing my fear/doubt/overwhelmingness trust my backchat as “Lets see and wait, surely it will become clearer – someone will clearify” separating me from myself out of fear and doubt without even noticing it and relaying on others to bring up or express or clarify my questions
- which is clearly impossible as in my head/body exists only me thus I am the only one able to express me and thus instead of taking the responsibility to express myself sabotaged myself in/as backchat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself in not daring to ask questions – where I believe that this is something you should not do or that is wrong a impertinence instead of realizing and seeing the impertinence of my Ego as thinking I do know everything telling me that I don´t need to ask for support/clarification
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind not daring to ask when it actually it is me as Ego creating separation in defining something/someone as superior and then put oneself in the inferior victim-position in the own mind just to hide and protect the own self-definition as superior as ego – not needing to ask because of the being thin-KING
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to ask and answer my untold questions in fear for losing my perception of superiority as a separated ego instead of taking responsibility for me as a being realizing itself and freeing/walking themselves out of the mind where I support and assist myself in asking questions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through instead of asking, expressing myself directly exposing the fear/doubt-experience reacting with and following my backchat to in this create internal conflict between a superior separate projection of me and my initial experience towards the point and so manifesting a split within me between mes´s -which is a mess – in this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that the backdoor of not committing to writing and process as a whole has only existed in and as the projected mind-version of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of trusting myself and self-honestly expressing myself what-ever it is to trust my back-chat telling me that I have a “free-choice” to not commit myself – instead of realizing that all this backdoors and secret avenues lead to One: the process of ego-death as sooner or later this dimensions of backdoors will end as the energy to uphold them ends
Commitment
I commit myself to process myself as ego-death as stopping energy in and as me as actively supporting and assisting myself to close all doors of energetic dimensions within and as me to remain here as breath as creator and create-with a new world as an equal willing to do, create and life what is best for all
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So the fear of falling on and not being able uphold the commitment is what gets me to leave open a backdoor in not standing to and as my words because I have “only” spoken them in my own mind so that I am apparently not accountable. Actually it is self-doubt, my “god” old friend. From self-doubt I want to leave open a possibility to spite life and blame others.
Actually it is extreme bullshit because it leaves open a real entrance for self-sabotage.
Selfforgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to uphold a commitment and thus leave open a backdoor in/through which I want/would cheat myself in/as believing that i am not accountable for the words I think when/as I “want” to commit myself to something – instead of realizing that what I think will manifest and thus if I think that I want to commit me and I see that this it the right thing than I can as well and actually must direct myself in awareness otherwise I will manifest and create through a mind-process in unawareness what takes only longer time and walking con-sequence to get/manifest the same point/outcome
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand the word con-sequence and that consequence is the abdication of self-responsibly in a moment that causes a separation that takes a series a sequence of moments as mind-experiences to get back here together again – a moment of separation causes the events/moments to walk in the con of the mind as the consequence of separation where the consequence of separating the value of life from life and placing it on money has become our current system that we are individually and together walking and creating in every moment that we fucking believe in the separation
We are con-sequenzen as periods of self-deception in varying amplitude
We life in our manifested con-sequence as the combined projection of our energy-circles as/of self-deception that we forced onto the physical
So I let this point open till today, I did start with writing the “Journey to life” – lol, and I see that it appeared in the tarot also everyday the Journey-card …but I ignored it – but on the other hand I was making no word on a commitment of self-support and actually I was thinking that “Then I can stop without having broken my commitment (which would be a loss” So this though exactly is the problem because fuck it must apparently hurt when I do not life my word otherwise it seems I do not hear, what I mean is that I need and actually should be grateful for the feedback that breaking a self-commitment or self-agreement has consequences and/where I diminish myself in my own mind. Wanting to have no consequence! That´s out of date – it is no option…a mind-fuck and simply not how reality works, actually the way of life that has manifested all that is here AS consequence.
I face the consequences of leaving this door open right now, yesterday and the day before as resistance/conflict/terror on the point. And it is completely unnecessary because actually I have already made the decision to commit myself to the process of walking myself as the mind to nothingness. While reflecting on Bernards interview it became quite clear to me what this means/what we are here to do in stopping completely and why we have to. All and everything that is here is of knowledge and information and if we start from any point that is already here – we will inevitably recreate the past – so we have to completely walk the system that is here and that we are here as into nothingness to recreate from scratch.
My first reaction was kind of a excitement because that means REALLY stopping the whole bullshit-system that is here – walking into stopping one-by-one as One as Equal the Consciousness of our world. Bringing an end to this system within and without. And the realisation that it is possible to do this in a few decades, what means in my lifetime and being able to be part of this made me exited – obviously this excitement will also stop in nothingness, thus I forgave myself.
This whole point is quite significant for me and I get a bit emotional because its that I have always wanted to find and do the thing that I 100% know that is right and then “I would give it my all” and now this point is here with desteni and the process and I am fucking around with not even committing myself fully to such a point as writing everyday. However I do not have to accept this from my mind and can change my starting-point and acceptances.
This is also the reason why I always resorted and wanted to trust others and only have done things half-assed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through self-doubt and in this sabotaging myself before I have even started
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others so that I can keep on doing things half assed and never have to commit myself to anything-which is me in fact so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let self-doubt limit and impede on my commitment and dedication to myself as life as the only ever possible and worthwhile purpose here
This stops here! I commit myself to life and to walk until life is born and realized here – when I fall I fucking fall stand up put the dust of myself and walk. I stop making a drama out of it and realize that mistakes and falling is a part of learning – accepting doubt as me on the contrary is like a built-in fall – a trap – i trapped myself in doubt so i forgive myself and realize and live self-honesty accumulating self-trust
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