Mittwoch, 24. Oktober 2012

Tag 183: Anxiety-Suppression through Conflict-Generation

Art: Damian Ledesma

  Todays writing is about a conflict that manifested with my mother a few minutes ago where i stood up and as i was still lying in bed i spoke some self-forgiveness on anxiety and as i was still speaking was hearing her calling something that i did not entirely understand but "identified" (within myself) as a command. So i stood up and called back about "what it is" and also that a "Good Morning" would be appropriate/nice firstly - wherein i see that i still expecting to be liked/welcomed/accepted or treathed as i would like to be treathed by my parents what is quite naive and to not judge "naiveness" a lack of self-awareness filled with a expectation. That is then also the Starting-Point for emotional Manipulation from both sides and the Point of Connecting myself into conflict. Wherein i am going into worry and anxiety/fear when my mother or father in do not "behave in a welcoming/loving/accepting way" what paves the way for fighting for that expected want/need/desire to STOP THE ANXIETY - Lol what the mindfuck, because actually in the fighting/arguing and reaction game more and more fear is created or the anxiety in the body resonate and resonate and all bubbles up until a point of resentfully and disappoited turning away from each other manifests - what is then simply Suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect me speaking self-forgiveness to my mother calling me in thinking in the moment of hearing her call that she has called me because she had heard me speaking
I forgive myself that I have allowed the Backchat of “I am influencing my environment through speaking self-forgiveness” to come up and exist within my mind as a “undefined experience” of believing/assuming that in a somehow magical/unexplainable way I am influencing  my environment/others through speaking self-forgiveness– instead of investigating what that actual relationships are
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my idea of this point is that I am changing/influencing something in separation of myself such as other beings, when in fact the Point and starting-point of self-forgiveness is within myself that is where I change myself as the relationships I have accepted and allowed to form and life as myself  and in this I see realize understand that the Backchat of “I am influencing my environment with my self-forgiveness” is OF the MIND itself and just like another instance as the Observer that give the Ego/Consciousness credit to impose its apparent importance and Control over others/my environment and in this myself, wherin I see/realize/understand that the connected shame/guilt/hiding experience that goes with it is just a form of “making up” for the evil of self-interest that I exist as in this Point = wanting to believe that “I” have a certain level of control over others
In this I see/realize/understand that the in fact-influences exist and are conducted in interactions/phyiscal communiation where for example the body-language and normal language the entierey of the Communication of a Moment is processed through the Quantum Mind to create, generate and basically  throw out/up such a thought/Backchat that when I accept it becomes a Ego-Possession that suites the infact starting-point as the secret mind desire to Control and Influence other beings/my environment TO? Make myself feel better and more about myself as having somehow power and control as which i can hide/supress/deny the fear/inferiority and anxiety with that I actually experience within myself towards other beings, my environment, myself and this world-system as a whole
When and as the thought/Backchat of “I am influencing my environment with self-forgiveness”, wherin it think and blieve that just me uttering the words for myself within my room for example has an effect and direct influence on others/my environment comes up in my mind – I stop and breathe I realize that Self-forgiveness is useless and does not have lasting effect when I do not practically/physically life the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements as me and stand as them until life is free as all as one als equal – in this realizing, seeing and understanding the obvious that the Backchat is OF the Mind = me as the mind and thus rather another/further mechanism of self-righteous mindcontrol to try and attempt to suppress my anxieties/fear and make myself believe that “I am incontrol” – thus I stop and delete the Backchat that is in essence a FEAR of “influencing myself/my environment/others with self-forgiveness” and changing and transforming my relationship to self-forgiveness in a way that is pyhiscally, practically influenceing myself and my reality in a tangible way that is best for in living my self-forgiveness and corrections in every moment of breath expanding myself through giving up on Self-interest

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I still exist in an instance of me as which I fear “influencing myself with self-forgiveness” which is than the complete fear of Change and fear of “losing my Religion” Point and in this seeing/realizing/understanging how self-dishonest I was on this point and why? Because of with change I fear to lose ignorance – the ability to abdicate responsabilty my life/self and what is here as me as all as one as equal 
I commit myslef to not allow myself to hide behind the fear of Change my self-interest of remaining ignorant and abdicating responsabilty for myself as life equal and one – but to stand up and keep walking until this is done and Self/Life is purified from Self-interest and equalized as what is best for all

on anxiety and as i was still speaking was hearing her calling something that i did not entirely understand but "identified" (within myself) as a command 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moment of hearing my mother call me react within myself as feeling “caught” reacting with the very same anxiety within me that I forgave in the same moment wherin I see that this is a moment to stand withinmyself, breathe through the reaction and further see/realize/understand that I felt caught because of within myself exisiting in the Believe/”uncertain experience” that “I am influencing other beings/my environment with selfforgiveness” where this Backchat is in essence of Control as Fear as self-interest – so that I felt caught because “I caught myself” in self-dishonesty of trying to make myself believe that I control or influence my environment throught “mind-power”, and in this literally catching myself in and as the mind-(control) of myself and thus from this very moment existing in my experience and interaction would stand in/under the influence! Of me as Control.
Wherein I see/realize/understand that the “I” that believes or exists as the thought of “I am having an influence/control over my world/environment/others through Self-Forgiveness” = the very manifestation of Control as me as energy that I created OF me as Life/Substance 
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I identified myself with what I percieved as “a commandment” of my mother in that moment because of me standing in the very same priciple of Control as energy and thus seeing/realizing/understanding that what connected in that moment was me as Control as Energy/Consciousness
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider and see that I deliberatly within myself! automatically identifyed the Call as a “commandment” AS I  was standing in the Principle of Control as Energy/Consciousness as like same likes its LIEke
I commit myself to once and for all stop myself from blaming my mother/parents/environment/world/reality/teachers/Politicians/governmets/Chefs  partner/beings I speak with/positions/activities/responsabilities/rooms/foods/cloths/ instiutions for causing me to feel “controlled” or creating the experience of Control within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and resenting because of feeling not considered when my mother called my and so allowed myself to follow my experience of emotion as anxiety in shouting back that “a good morning” would be more appropriate – wherein the point is the point that I wanted to be welcomed/loved/accepted
I forgive myself that I have accepted and alwed myself to exist in and as a want/need and desire to be liked/accepted and to be treathed like I would like to be treathed by my parents
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect/want my parents/mother to like/accept/love me and what I do
I see/realize understand that the day before I have felt not accepted/welcomed/supported in a decision I had made and from there went into reaction of trying to explain and justify myself 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad/unworthy and doubting myself because of seeing my mother disappointed with my decisions and instead of me simply keeping the communication practical as informative made it into a whole conversation of essentially trying to manipulate the other in changing their behaviour so that do not have to face my own judgements and that stemming from the desire/want/need to be accepted/liked/loved = seen as worthy by my mother
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the starting-point for trying to justify/explain myself/a decision to my mother/parents is to hide/suppress/stop my own anxiety/worry/uncertainties with making a decision and thus of dishonesty, wherein I see/realize/understand that in fact it is not possible to escape or stop the anxiety/worry through others being a certain way but it is me as a creation of me and so I am the only one that can stop/walk through it
I this I see/realize/understand that the acceptance and allowance of me trying to explain/justify my decisions is in fact what connects me into fighting/emotional turmoil and in this further validating/accumulating and feeding into my accepted and allowed anxiety – as I am trying to stop the anxiety/uncertainty in another when it exists within me
I forgive myself that that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself go into fighting/arguing/justifying in REACTION, completely ignoring in that moment what I already know as that the fighting/arguing/justification and reaction game only creates further fear and anxiety and emotions up to where we resentfully turn away from each other, in this suppressing the conflict, wherein I see/realize/understand that in fact it is me that wants to be right and win and justify at all costs just not to having to face my self in for example the point of Dissapointment, not wanting to face and stand through the self-judgements/worries and so actually accepting and allowing the way method of Suppression through argument/fighting = more conflict – without a practical solution ever being manifested or brought forth in this  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself think that “I do not (have to) face the point/experience of Disappointment” and that the entire experience was “thrown at me” by my mother when in fact the experience must have been existing within myslef before – so that the outside point was a reflection/mirroring me back as what I accepted and allowed as self-doubt/disappointment/fighting/self-righteousness on the point, wherein I see/realize/understand now that I have simply not really learned to direct and solve self-doubt/disappointment/anxieties/worries within me but always suppressed them – and that this is the Point of where I have to get to self-trust = follows Self-honesty so Selfhonesty first 

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